If you can pinch an inch...

Working out is not fun; anyone who tells you differently does not know the meaning of the word and should look it up in between crunches. I doubt I have ever had a smile on my face while exercising. Sure, my lips might be curled but it is not a smile. And if I am laughing, it is not from merriment but because there is a severe lack of oxygen to my brain. You should probably stop staring and call 911.

While I wait for the paramedics, I feel an explanation is in order. If working out is not fun, why do I do it? I once heard the comedian Lee Mendoza say you know you are fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead. Yep, I periodically try and now you will too. And no, I have never pinched an inch but the fact that every once in a while I will reach up and grab my own forehead as a measuring tool should give you an idea of how obsessed I am with my weight. I work out to try to lose it (that is weight not my mind though it is sometimes a toss up.) Sure, there are other benefits – healthy heart, more energy, strong muscles, blah, blah, blah. I am in it to win it, um lose it; I want to lose the inch off my proverbial forehead.

So I have given the why, let’s discuss the what. Well, I am going to hold off on what it is I do. Let us skip to the when. I work out after work for the most part because who does not want to come home after a long day and then amp it up some more? I have read over and over that you reap the most benefits from exercising in the morning. You gain more energy for the day, shift your metabolism into overdrive, blah, blah, blah. Guess what? You have to get up extra early to exercise in the morning. It is highly unlikely your supervisor at work is going to let you come in late everyday because you have added working out to your morning routine. (I have not actually checked on this but I feel safe in saying mine will not.) And I am soooo not a morning person. My alarm would go off, I would evaluate the situation for two seconds and be back to sleep with my alarm reset before I ever fully woke up. I admire y’all who get up at 5:00 a.m. to faithfully work out but could you keep it down? I am trying to sleep.

Where do I work out? For a while, I was a member of a gym AND actually went…regularly! Going to the gym is kind of a sporting event. You get decked out in your “uniform” or whatever you are willing to be seen wearing while working out. The machines are lined up in a row as if at a starting line. You take your position. You look left; you look right, sizing up the competition (and trying to see on what settings their machines are); and then you set off on the race to nowhere!

But here’s the thing – I find going to the gym to be more of a spectator sport. I like watching people…while I am working out. Have you tried to concentrate on operating an exercise machine, control your motor functions AND watch the people around you? Okay, it does not sound all that difficult but I had some issues with it, a lot of issues. For one thing, the gym had the machines pointing AWAY from the action, towards the wall. Why? Sure, I am listening to music while reading a book and watching TV so perhaps it looks like I am otherwise engaged but it’s a ploy; I want to watch what is going on around me. Unfortunately, I need to be watching where my feet are on the treadmill or accidents happen…and they did.

Ever stepped off the side of a treadmill while it is still moving? You will go flying off the back. It is very unforgiving in that way. In fact, it is unforgiving in most ways. It was suggested I wear a helmet while walking on the treadmill. After a few encounters, it seemed better for the people around me to wear the helmets for their own safety. And all because I kept trying to see what was going on behind me. It is a little like elementary school: Eyes forward, Ms. Clark. Yes, Ma’am. Peek. Bam! Dang it!!

Soooo I invested in a Bowflex TreadClimber. It is the machine from Hell BUT I can have unfortunate accidents at home rather than in public; I can wear whatever I want (like sleeveless tanks without wondering if everyone can hear my arm fat flapping around) and no one can see how pathetic the settings on my machine are. This leads me to the final question of what do I do to work out?

The TreadClimber, if you have not seen the misleading commercials, is a three-in-one machine. It is a treadmill in that it has a rotating belt and can be locked down for use as a treadmill; it is a stair-stepper in that there are two separate tracts that compress on the down-step, decompress on the up-step and you can set the resistance and the machine is a soul-sucker in that it sucks the soul from your body, I think through your sweat. I have not proven that yet but I will.

The tracts on this thing are not very wide. I am going to say maybe 6-8 inches each? When you are completely lacking in balance and coordination, that is the equivalent of walking a tightrope. You might think than that I would give all my attention to feet placement and balance. Nah. I listen to my iPod, read my Nook, have the TV on and avoid eye contact with the cat whom I am pretty sure is judging me. (She is Fatty McFat Fat so judgments should be reserved.) It is a little tougher to fly off the back of the Bowflex but I am not a quitter. I have done it. There is less of a “Weeeee” feel to it like on a treadmill and more of “oh gawd, I’m going to die” panic.

If I spent the rest of my life on the Bowflex, I would never age because time stands still when I am working out on it. I will be tooling along while reading, humming to music, avoiding Fatty McFat Fat’s mocking stares and be sure 10 minutes have passed – nope, its been 12 seconds. Whaaat? Dang it! It is usually when I am contemplating the existence of a black hole around the Bowflex that I miss a step, my foot falls off the tract, I fall to the side, bounce off the balance bar, panic, bounce off the opposite balance bar like a ping pong ball, panic again, find my footing and spend the next 12 seconds staring down at my feet while telling myself I am going to pay more attention. But then a song like Korn’s “Get Up” comes on my iPod. I “Get Up” all into it and forget I am supposed to be paying attention to what my feet are doing. Oh well, hopefully the black hole that floats around my Bowflex will catch me as I am about to take a header, swallow me and spit me back out somewhere in Hawaii.

I do not like to work out but I like the results so I have tried many things. I have danced and pranced to aerobics tapes (does not get much more boring.) I have hiked and biked on nature trails (a lot of bugs and random deer.)  I have hit and kicked a punching bag (okay it is pretty awesome but it’s seasonal since my garage is not climate controlled.) The Bowflex has been my adversary for the past two years and I have been pretty consistent in my fight with it. But it has kept my attention probably because I have made it my enemy and I never admit defeat. Maybe that is the secret to working out – pick something that could potentially maim you, name it your arch nemesis and commit yourself to the fight of good vs. evil.

So, with that in mind and until I lose a foot to the Bowflex, I shall fight the good fight to avoid the day I can pinch an inch on my forehead…

Reality Doesn't Always Bite

When did reality television become so prevalent in everyday programming? Oh wait, I know; it was when writers ran out of original ideas. First a history lesson, reality television has been around since shocked, unsuspecting bystanders heard the words “Smile! You’re on Candid Camera” in 1948 and it became hip in 1992 when MTV followed seven strangers in a rather contained environment and called it “The Real World”. (Of course, there were the “bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?” on COPS which began in 1989 but that wasn’t hip until years later when you began seeing hip hop stars on it.) But reality TV absolutely exploded on May 31, 2000 when “Survivor” hit the airwaves. How ironic a show called “Survivor” should be the demise of original television.

I have been dismissive of reality TV for most of the 21^st century. I have never seen “Survivor” and do not understand why people are infatuated with no-talent, wanna-be singers making fools of themselves on American Idol. (I have to have several drinks before I will do that in my own living room.) Everything in reality has been a competition and I have not cared about who the “winners” are…until now.

It has got to be so easy to be a TV producer today. Don’t have a movie to make into a show? No tired sitcom that looks like every other one? Oh, maybe there is a drama that does not have a plot twist everyone sees coming each week? No? Than make a reality show. You no longer need a script and a set to produce a program; all you require is one or more people willing to put their lives out for public consumption and bam! you are on some cable channel’s lineup.

At some point in the last year, reality television has snuck onto my DVR. I am still not a fan of the competition shows but I have been sucked into the lives of those with psychological issues, work drama, hella skills and what they all have in common is they are unabashed train wrecks where you just cannot help but watch. I want a point to my reality but, I will be honest, it does not have to be well defined. As long as they are not chasing pigs through some bushes (Lady Hoggers? Really?), I am good to go.

Okay, so let’s get it out there. I am addicted to “Hoarders”. I watch it almost as soon as it is done recording. How can you not watch this show?! For those who are not familiar, it is about people who have “collected” too much stuff and their houses are overflowing to the detriment of their health and family relationships. It is often heart wrenching and almost always disgusting. BUT, it is fascinating to watch. It boggles my mind how these people can justify their lifestyle; some of them will fight for a pile of garbage. Psychologists and chronic disorganization experts are called in to help. These people usually end up frustrated and it is sometimes funny to watch them try not to throttle the homeowner. I know a lot of people cannot watch this show because it is so gross but, and this says a little something about me, it kind of makes me feel better about my own place. Hm, it suddenly does not seem so cluttered but maybe I will take the garbage out.

When I think I have had a tough day at work I watch “Ice Road Truckers”. Have you seen what these people do? They are crazy! One season they are driving semis across the frozen ocean in Canada; the next they are navigating 500 miles of treacherous icy highway in Alaska…in blizzards and other weather conditions that would send even the most experienced Iowa drivers back in front of the fireplace. It is insane and sounds a little like watching NASCAR but it is riveting. Right now a few of the IRTs are driving in the Andes and it is just fun to watch them use their extensive knowledge to navigate the “death roads”. These people are fearless or stupid; either way I am hooked.

I said I do not watch competition reality television but that is not entirely true. I LOVE many cooking reality shows. When they are having new seasons, I record “Top Chef” and “Hell’s Kitchen”. Mostly I enjoy watching these people create dishes at the drop of a knife. It takes me three days to decide which frozen dinner I am going to have. They present fabulous meals out of a piece of shoe leather, some banana peel and a pile of dirt. (I am watching “Top Chef: Texas” and I am almost positive that was one of the challenges.) And, well, if you have seen “Hell’s Kitchen” than you know Gordon Ramsey is mean and that is just fun to watch.

I watch a few other shows on television but there just is not a lot of originality anymore. I am embarrassed by most sitcoms. The dramas are predictable. Crime and suspense shows have copied each other and now you can barely tell them apart. Ironically, reality television is where originality can be found. Sure, a lot of the shows can be grouped together but that is just genres. Most are purely entertainment but there are some that have a message. I am mostly looking for entertainment so deliver your message elsewhere but I do appreciate the effort. I think the so-called talent shows should just die already but damn those are popular. Everyone likes a good freak show, I guess.

Soooo, “bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?”…probably turn up on “First 48 Hours” as a suspect or maybe trying to get rid of stolen items on “Pawn Stars”…

Rules of Rush Hour

Since I liken my blog to a journey of sorts, it seems appropriate that my first one (ever!) be about rush hour traffic. I do not live in a major metropolitan area such as L.A., Chicago or New York City where you sit for hours in traffic so I use the term "rush hour" subjectively. However, for the area where I live, it is an increased amount of traffic at a peak time of day when people are rushing (supposedly) to and from work so I am calling it rush hour, Iowa style.

Two months ago I got a job in the nearby metro area that thrust me back into the rush hour melee for the first time in 15 years. Yeah, things have changed or maybe it is me who has changed. Either way, I am going to have a stroke. The first day I was amused by the obviously different mentality of the drivers than what I had experienced when I was traveling to work in the afternoon. It was like an anthropological study and rather interesting. The study was over by the third day. I was ready to play bumper cars.

First, let me set the scene...I drive about 20 miles to work, through a mostly rural area, but the highway is four-lane, thank goodness. How rural? Well, one day traffic was disrupted because someone had hit a deer and it was blocking one lane of traffic. Another day, traffic backed up because a farmer was driving his tractor from one field to another during the rush hour drive home. That is pretty rural. However, just because we are driving over hills, over dales (its a song) does not mean we are any less motivated to get to and from work. And there are a lot of us out there.

Which brings me to my point (finally) - the rules of rush hour. When I pull off my side street onto the main highway, there are already a lot of cars but it does not take long to catch up to the first "pack". Packs are usually several cars, bunched together, sometimes tightly, sometimes loosely but it is always tricky to get through the pack to reach open road. I call it playing NASCAR when working your way through the pack. However, there are rules that would make it a lot easier if everyone would just follow.

First of all, and I think this is universal, the inside lane is for passing. Do not tool along on your phone and camp out if there are people wanting to travel faster than you are. If you can get over into the other lane, DO IT! It is almost impossible during rush hour to have the space and time to pass someone who is camped in the "fast lane". There are also those assholes who are on their phone and when you move into the other lane to pass them? It gets their attention and they speed up, leaving you trapped in the other lane because let me tell you, everyone else in the passing lane will close ranks once you move over and you are not getting back in until they all pass you. I learned that fairly quickly and stopped moving into the other lane unless I was absolutely, positively sure I had enough room to pass the car even if they accelerated. And I will admit, I am a rank closer. I will not let someone get in front of me if they have tried to pass and have been trapped. It's a harsh lesson we all must learn. And if you just keep doing it? You deserve to get trapped, dumbass.

Now, I know there are those who think they are moving as fast as everyone else. Take a look in your rear view mirror. If there is a car behind you or worse, a line of cars behind you? You are not the big dog. Get your ass on the porch and let the rest of us run. I understand when you are in the middle of a line of cars and you do not get over. I do not expect you to. But if you are at the head of the line, in the passing lane, no one is in front of you and you are holding up the line? Oh yeah Sparky, you are holding up progress and it all falls on you. Either get the Hell over or speed up so you can get the Hell over.

A huge traffic offense taking place during rush hour is tailgating - traveling too close. However, you have to do it because if you do not someone is going to slip in between you and the car in front of you. I almost had my front end taken off because I had apparently left too much space and a truck decided he would fit. Oh man, the urge to play bumper cars was strong but Bella (my car, not named after the insipid Twilight character but Italian for "beautiful") would not appreciate the smack. But there are rules to tailgating as well.

When traveling at highway speeds, you really cannot leave the standard two-car lengths. You just cannot. You are going to end up back in town by the time people get done cutting in front of you. My general rule of thumb is to keep about a car length. But here's the thing, people can get really pissy about tailgating. I understand that during normal travel times but it is rush hour and, right or wrong, it is a different mentality. And you know who the pissy people usually are? The ones who are leading a line of people in the passing lane. They get frustrated by the line of cars but yet will not get over. What the Hell? If you would just accept that you are not willing to travel at the rate of everyone else and get out of the passing lane, you would have a better rush hour experience.

Here is an example. I was following a Saturn Aura, a bunch of us were. She refused to get over though she had several opportunities. Unfortunately, there was never enough room to get around her. I was following less than a car length as the car behind me was doing and probably the car behind him, etc. She was holding us all up. I am sure she thought she was traveling at a sufficient speed and should not have to get over but here is the thing; it does not matter. If you have a line of cars behind you, guess what? You are not traveling fast enough. We had to follow her for 10 miles, to the on ramp to the next four-lane highway. I followed her onto the highway. I think she thought she would lose me on the ramp because she took it kind of fast. Ha! Bella loves that 25 m.p.h. ramp at about 40 so let's go!

We merged onto the highway and I was hoping to get around but there was too much traffic and I had to stay with her. It was a mirror image of the previous highway. She quickly had a line of cars again though the car behind me had left some space. The Saturn suddenly darted into the right lane, with little room for her really and I passed her. She immediately darted back out behind me, on my bumper. Ah. The old taste-of-your-own-medicine routine. I have had this done to me several times and it always backfires on the person. Why? I showed her. I took off and left her. There was open space because she had been holding us up. I did not see her again before I exited the highway onto my city street. I love it when people do that because it gives me exactly what I wanted - them out of my way.

Once I reach the city, I really only have one rule but it is the hardest for me to follow: pick a lane and stay in it. It never fails that if I switch lanes, the other lane will start moving faster. I end up frustrated and I am almost certain I start speaking in tongues while my head spins. Stay, stay, stay!    

The drive home is a different story though. There are still a lot of cars but the mentality of the drivers is much more varied, I suppose because of the time of day. It is late afternoon, early evening so though it is people coming home from work, there are also other random people. The mix can make for an interesting drive. 

Those coming home from work drive much the same way as going to work. It is the other people that are the wildcards. If you tailgate someone who is not used to the rush hour experience, they do not appreciate it. Ummmm, no. It can quickly become a competition which is dangerous when there are so many people. I try to keep this in mind and remember not to tailgate on the drive home. It is difficult though especially because Bella does not like Camrys. I cannot explain it. We have to pass them. She has eaten more Camrys than I can count. What can I say? My girl has an appetite.

So, when you are driving in rush hour, please keep these rules in mind: do not camp in the "passing lane" if you are not passing; if there is a line of cars behind you, you should not be the leader - get over; tailgating is a necessary evil during rush hour but be alert; when in the city, sometimes you just have to pick a lane and stay there; be aware of who is on the road with you - not everyone understands rush hour; and the biggest rule and hardest to follow - be human. It is almost impossible not to be an asshole during rush hour traffic but we all have the same goal - to make it to our destination safely (and as fast as we possibly can.)

Play nice and drive carefully!